Push by Sarah McLachlin

The Lyrics

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You’ve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do ’cause you’re to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I’d drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I’m OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day

[CHORUS]

I’ve never really stopped and thought about who is actually reading this blog of mine. I’ve never thought about how those words could affect my readers. Or even how they could affect me as I re-read them now.
I do not regret any of the words that I wrote here, because at the time of their posting I was justified in my thoughts. Now some of them come across as hurtful, and perhaps not how I feel now. I have no one I need to answer to, and this was the reason for this blog.
My thoughts. Like them or leave them.

At the age of 33, yes I am proudly not a stupid twenty something anymore…yanno old enough to know better but still young enough to to be a shitload of fun…..I have come full circle in my life. I am happy now and content to watch my sons grow into young men. I smile and am proud of everything they do. They are so different from each other, yet so much the same without knowing it. They are both in junior high this year and I wonder where the hell time has gone.

Funny how it takes you to get to this age to stop and realize what your parents meant when they say…where has the time gone?

I’ve always loved that expression….the light at the the end of the tunnel. Most people laughing say “ya and it was a truck that ran me down”. Tee hee hee. I am happy to report that things are going well for me since my breakup.

My heart hurt like hell, but honestly because it was such a long and slow breakup, I mean it was a year in the coming, it didn’t hit me as hard as when the father of my kids and I split. I’m also older and wiser and know how to heal my heart better that this point.

I was wise and leaned on anyone and everyone that would listen to me. I am so very lucky to have supportive family and friends. Without them all they would not have been so easy. I am thankful everyday for them all!

The hardest part was beginning a single life again. I am lucky though because things as a single mother have changed vastly. Their are subsidies for everything these days. Its wonderful. By the end of September I shouldn’t have any more problems.

I’ve even found a someone new to make me happy. We are taking things slow and it feels good to be so very wanted once again.

I find it slightly ironic that right below this post, and as what I am about to say is a post professing my love to Andrew. We split up and he moved out Saturday May 29th, possibly one of the worse days of my life.

There was a lot building up to this day. This last year or so we have become noticeably distant from each other. There was something very wrong and missing. Communication and the ability for us to live our lives came into play. We focused too much on being one identity that for Andrew, he got bored and depressed. I admit now that I see it.
Though we never stopped to talk about it, until it was too late.

My heart aches, so damn bad for the love that has been lost. I still love Andrew, but am I in love with him? I don’t think so. He’s a different man then he was a year ago. He needs time to figure out who he is, and what he wants in life.

I know what I want. I have a fabulous job, I love it in fact. It has future goals, and room for easy advancement. My sons are growing up and rapidly becoming teenagers I can be proud of. I’m driving and am now an independent woman. Almost all of these things I have to thank Andrew for. Without him I’m not sure I would have ever taken the leap of faith and gone back to school, got my license, been a strong mother to create the way my boys are now.

However the personal growth that has happened in myself in the last few weeks, that has been all me. I’ve gotten my ass up off the couch and have a social life now. I’m forcing myself out the door and to hang out with friends, looking into joining an aquasize class here in a few weeks, even going out for a walk…just to get out of the house. There was a lack of this before Andrew left, I see that now. I feel healthier. I’ve lost 5 lbs. and kept them off. I’ve also noticed that my clothes are fitting better!

I’m not sure what the future has in store for me, but I am ready to face it head on. Loosing love hurts like hell, and I still have my very down days, but time heals. Everyday is better than the last and Andrew and I are trying to build a friendship, after that…well its way to early to say.

If I don’t tell you often enough, not that you’ll ever see this….I love you Andrew.

You mean the world to me and my life is better because your in it. I appreciate the way you jump in head first to help me parent my boys, and do so whole heartedly.
I love that you know when to give me a push in the right direction, and help to have me stop and breathe when the days get hectic.

5 years baby…here’s to a lifetime more.

We have a car.

I am sitting in the middle of my living room in the insane middle of the night, or rather ridiculously early in the morning what ever way you look at it on my computer. Why you ask aren’t I lovingly snoring beside my hubby and enjoying my day off? Toothache. Yup I feel you loud and clear!
Kinda terrifying actually considering we have no dental coverage right now and no family dentist.
When I quit my job at the post office before I went back to school we never did look back into dental coverage because we couldn’t afford it, its pretty much the same right now. I’m sitting here scared out of my mind wondering where we are going to ger the money but the toothache in my mouth is giving me no choice.
What do you do as an adult when the money runs out before the bills do? Go figure this toothache comes to visit the same time my car decides to go off the deep end and my last bill for the month shows up.

I also have to get everyone in for eye exams. Awww the joys of being a mom…..another reason I’d like to be a kid again. This being the mom is tough shit.

Why is it every time I see a pregnant women, something in me tightens? I can remember vividly the feeling of being pregnant. I for one loved being pregnant. The feeling of the baby moving, the warm feeling you experience during. I love the curve of a woman’s stomach while there is a baby inside. It makes you want to gently run your hand along the smooth surface. Is that strange?

I’d like nothing better than to have my boyfriend’s baby, I know he’d be overjoyed if it was the right time on our lives. I’m not sure if its ever going to be the right time. My sons are 13 and 11 already. Life’s no better now financially as it was two years ago, and that not going to change any time soon. I’m feeling my baby years are over. It makes me ridiculously blue for some reason. Perhaps its a sign of aging and I just need to accept it.

I really do wish my younger sister has a baby soon, perhaps being a close aunt to a newborn will help this feeling….for now I’m just kinda blue

Please be very aware that there is a new scam out there!! I am so pissed right now, but what the company does not realize is I am a geek. I don’t take anything involving money lightly and I google the name of any company asking for money that I don’t recongnize.

The Domain Registry of Canada is FAKE. Do not send them a penny of your money. I’m not sure how the hell they got my address and connected me to my website but I am fricking mad. I have even gone as far as giving anonymous information to the very site that is hosting my legit website.

Here have a good read about what this fake scamming conniving company is all about.

http://www.twistimage.com/blog/archives/domain-registry-of-canada-scam-with-direct-mail-and-online/

http://www.internetbasedmoms.com/articles2/domain-registry-canada.html

There is one blog in particular that I read nearly every day. She has an amazing way with her words that draw you in and make you want to read more. She captures you in and lets you know all about her life, making you care about a perfect stranger. She is funny, smart and wacky. She makes me laugh and cry all in one post.

Her blog, Attack of the Redneck Mommy, is truly a wonderful read. She lives in the same province as I do and so there are many things she writes about that I understand fully. She’s a wife and mother, a few details we also share in common. She has a weekly? or so segment on CBC Connect with Mark Kelley that she relates things she has tried in her parenting world. She’s beautiful and amazingly down to earth.

So Tanis Miller, wonderful blog writer…this praise is for you.
Please keep the great posts coming…I’ll read every one!

Its up for your enjoyment, or not for that matter. My About Me, for your reading enjoyment found by clicking the tab.
My website is going to require a lot more thought and process. I’m not sure what I want on my website anymore, all I know is that it needs to reflect me and its not doing that right now.
Stay tuned for more changes as I get to them.