So much on my mind right now. I’m in a very full head space right now. At the end of the day all I’m looking for is happiness.
I have a new job. I am now the technical coordinator at F12 Networks. I make more money, have my own office, my own business card, and am feeling like I am actually in a company that gives a fuck about me. I feel like I have accomplished a lot by taking this job and I wake in the morning truly happy to be going to work. I have great supportive, funny coworkers too! With this good job however comes a million percent more stress though.
It is an extremely demanding, high paced job. I schedule all the appointments for three techs, two consultants, and pretty soon another brand new tech. I also run and coordinate all new IT deployments of equipment, help to keep our warehouse under control, run all contracts and such for the projects, schedule all meetings, and right now because we are short a receptionist I am also answering all phone calls and transferring them to where they need to go. My job requires that I am highly organized and extremely on top of things.
It is an exciting job I really do enjoy though it is tiring. I wouldn’t have applied for the job, and be working so hard to make it my own though if I didn’t like it. I love having my own office. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment with every finished workday. I thrive on the compliments I get back. I have only been there two months as of today, but am pretty sure I have come a long damn way.
My health is beginning to become a frightening concern for me. I know I have low iron, low red blood cells in my blood.
It is this that is kicking my ass. I am tired all the time, and not myself. I have dizzy spells, I seem to be bruising more easily than usual, I’m depressed off and on to the extreme, I fall asleep with no dreams and randomly here and there fall asleep when I’m just sitting around, I am pale and just not okay. I am scared and concerned about my health, but frightened to go to the doctor.
My father had prostrate cancer, and my mother had emphysema. I’m deathly afraid that my doctor is going to find something seriously wrong with me. I’ve promised my Art V that I will make a doctor’s appointment for blood work and a full physical. I need to know what is wrong and get it fixed. I can’t run from it anymore.
My health is affecting my mood too and Art V has noticed. He thinks I am hiding something from him when in fact there is nothing. He is my world. He makes me so damn happy and I’m fully sure I love him. He has my heart, there is no one else I want to be with.
I have only made one huge mistake with Art V. I lied about a stupid night I spent fixing a guy’s computer who meant nothing to me because I was worried about what Jamie would think about me. I was short on rent that month and fixed his computer for money. I lied and said I was out with a girlfriend, how fucking stupid. I know now that complete honesty is the only thing that a relationship can be build on and am reminded severely how much I hurt him by lying every time we fight. I know he does not trust me.
I can do nothing but hope this is something we can work through because I can not change the past. I would if I could! It feels like a stab to the heart every time it is brought up because it is something now I can not change, and am forever going to pay for doing. I have no other secrets from this man, not a single one. He has my heart fully.
